a piece of my heart

for two and a half weeks, my beautiful nephew, nevan, was able to come visit from florida.  it's been over a year since he and his dad moved to florida, and while i knew i missed him, i didn't realize just how much until he was here, driving chris and i around in the golf cart, telling us about dinosaurs, playing my snare drum, trying to avoid kona's face kisses, and giving me hugs that i never wanted to end.

the last night we got to see him and play with him was bittersweet.  it was the most fun we'd had during his visit, but i felt lonely knowing that at the end of the evening i'd have to say goodbye.  when he finally let go, after reaching out of the car window to give me one last tight hug, i cried.  i cried like a baby.  and i kept crying that evening because it felt like a part of me was missing.  i didn't know i could love him so much, and i didn't know that love for a child who isn't even mine could be so powerful.  i think part of it is due to the circumstances surrounding nevan's living in florida, and part of it is a nurturing love because of his health issues, but all of those things aside, i love that little boy more than i ever thought possible; just the thought of him makes me feel emotions so strong it brings me to tears.

there are so many reasons i'm still not ready to be a mom, but one of my biggest, nagging fears was, "will i be able to love my child?"  not to get heavy, because i try to keep things lighthearted, but i've been so scared that because my mom didn't love, want, and accept me like a mother should, i would repeat that.  i worried that i would continue the cycle and there would be one more person in the world just looking for love and acceptance.  while nevan was here, and especially since he's been gone, i've come to realize that i'll be nothing like my mom.  i still have dozens of reasons for not having a baby now or in the near future, but i'm happy to remove the biggest one from my list!  oh, and kona happens to really really like young children, so there's one reason to be a parent.