i briefly touched on this subject a year or so ago, but i just feel like i want to get this off of my chest. the one thing that continues to come up over and over is babies. for a while i'll just brush the comments off, let them go in one ear and out the other, and tell myself that the person making them obviously has nothing better to do with his or her time than concern themselves with my reproductive system and 10-year plan. but there are other times when i get to the point that i've heard enough. more than enough, really. while i'm not saying there's anything wrong with having babies (although, truly, it wouldn't hurt to slow down seeing as how the planet is sort of running out of space), i'm saying that it's a personal choice, and right now it's not one that works for me.
in the last few years, i've gotten everything from, "you're not getting any younger" to, "what kind of a person doesn't like babies?" to, "what, is there something wrong with you, are you not able to have kids?" to, "you're just selfish for not wanting a baby." sometimes the comments briefly annoy me, and other times, like the ones when i've been called selfish, the comments really hurt my feelings. i don't question people's choices regarding life-changing decisions, nor do i cast judgment when an opinion differs from my own, but it's become too commonplace for people, be it family or almost strangers, to have, and too often give, opinions and advice regarding that aspect of my life when i've NEVER asked for any input.
obviously The Plan dictates that within the first few years of marriage a man and woman should have a baby. wait another two to five years and The Plan says you need another. while this equation works for many, it doesn't for me. chris and i still have things we want to do, places we want to go, before adding a crying, drooling, expensive baby to the mix, and last time i checked, at 29 and 33, we're not too old to wait a little longer.
i've tried explaining my reasons for not jumping on the baby bandwagon, but to no avail. not only have my explanations led to blank stares, rolled eyes, and rebuttal, but i've even had to endure comments to the effect of (when referencing a family member or friend that has a child), "see, that could be you; just think of how much fun it would be." it may just be that i'm on the baby offensive, but to me, the implication in such comments is that my life isn't actually complete or happy without a child, or that as a childless woman of 29 (which, as i've come to understand, is akin to a bearded lady - a freak of nature) i really don't have anything left to offer until i procreate.
i'm already preparing myself for an onslaught of infant-related comments at christmas regarding my steadfast opposition to a baby right now, seeing as how i'm the oldest (and of course childless), my cousin ali recently had a baby, and my cousin elizabeth is pregnant. but i'll just eat another piece of cranberry pie and pretend to be oblivious to the baby talk all while reminding myself that i have two of the most beautiful babies already, and the fact that they're not human is completely inconsequential - they love me and i love them, and that's all that matters to me.so i guess what i'm really trying to say is, if you're at that stage in life where you think a baby just fits and you're ready to make that decision, then i completely respect that, but for those of us who aren't at that stage, and may never be, respect that, too. please.
I'm 31 and haven't had any kids. Up until recently, I didn't think I would want to. And I got the same stupid and ignorant comments and commentary from people. Good for you for living your life and doing what you want to do. I believe The Plan is different for each of us. And unfortunately, even on the brink of 2012 we still have a lot of very arcaic thoght processes among a vast amount of people!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. I really needed that. I get these types of comments far more than the hubby so sometimes, I find myself wondering if maybe we should or maybe it is the time to do that or maybe people are right, I'm really not getting any younger. And it makes it especially hard when all of my friends and cousins are having kids and I'm kind of the odd man out.
ReplyDeleteBut I feel like I'm still figuring myself out right now and if I add another human into the mix, it's just going to put ME on hold even longer than I've already been on hold. So if that's selfish, then I guess that's the way it is. I've been through a lot in my life so I don't really get why people don't understand that I need to have this time for myself first.
I LOVE this. I was always a "I will definitely have babies" type of person but lately I've started to contemplate a life without kids and honestly, the idea seems pretty appealing! I am guilty of asking people "do you think you'll have kids?" but I've never scoffed at someone not wanting kids or not feeling ready for them...to each their own! And there's nothing wrong with focusing solely on your marriage, having lots of extra money, and doing what YOU want. :)
ReplyDeleteI get that for sure. But I'm also opposed to the - "there! I found a husband and bore a child. Mission accomplished!" having kids has only motivated me to push my personal goals harder. We travel just as much as we did b4 - more actually. It's not a death sentance to freedom and self fulfillment, and it's that attitude that I want to convey because I have two kids but I don't think I'm subscribing to a particular plan.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand and empathize with how you feel. Chris and I waited until our 30s to have kids and the onslaught of questioning seemed never ending prior to our pregnancy. uggh. I found the experience completely frustrating, so much so I vowed to never ever ask anyone about children EVER.
ReplyDeleteI SOOOO relate to this post. I get this ALL THE TIME and M & I have chosen not to have kids. People think they can talk us into it or that they'll change our minds....M even had to tell a few overzealous relatives that I have "can't have kids" just to get them off our backs.
ReplyDeleteI love this post!! I really hate how it is socially constructed and expected for couples to have children. Couples do not need to have children in order to feel happy. Besides there are way too many individuals out there that have kids and did not want to have them in the first place. I have one child but I am definitely done and I still get asked if I am having more kids. I always say no I am done. I tell the mother-in-law I gave you one grandchild and I feel that should have been enough but it was not. I love my child to death but even when couples do have a child it is often never enough for others. I am just speaking from my own experience.
ReplyDeleteOMYgosh I love you and your views! I remember that the one thing that I felt great about when I went partially paralyzed and battled a literally crippling back problem...I got the green card out of that miserable mass family look of alien-ism issued to me when I stated loudly and proudly that the only children I ever want is the four legged furry kind. After the whole spine deal and the medical excuse for such an outlook occurred, then the following getting fixed that occurred....I was officially off the hook forever. I have definitely been in your shoes, seriously...I don't know why people care about other peoples reproduction....why would they care about mine? Crazy! Love ya...and I will never ask you to start producing human offspring! Hearts, Janna Lynn
ReplyDeleteI feel you on this 100%! My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We married young and now most of my other friends and family have had children already. We never said we didn't want kids, but we love each other and enjoy the time we have together. Nothing is missing from our relationship (no matter how much I am told that a child would "enhance" our lives) so we just want to do things on our time. I love that you wrote this. LOVE it! I'm sick of the remarks from people all the time about having a baby. Its our life not theirs. Thank you for posting this!
ReplyDeleteI'm fucking with you, girl. Over the summer, people asked ME why I didn't have kids. Even after I said, well. . . because I'm 21 and unmarried? No, still, "so? have some while you're young!" WTF, people. I'm all about doing your own thing, in all aspects of life.
ReplyDeletei hear you D. It's so frustrating that people think your life isnt complete without children but mine is...We aren't having kids, it's just not what we want, there are so goddamn people on this planet and I, personally, have no interest in bringing anymore onto it. I like kids, I like when my friends have kids, but we just don't want any of our own. My dad asks me at least once a month when were going to have kids, and I haven't had the heart to tell him that he won't ever be a grandpa. I think he'll be okay though....
ReplyDeleteyou're a good dog+bird mom and that is enough for now..when you're ready, that will be your call and nobody else's.
love you, and dont let it get you down.
Selfish for not wanting children?! That made me snort and scoff at the same time.(Snorff?) That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm 32, married and am so sick of the baby questions. I always say "I don't even have time to make my bed in the morning, let alone raise a human." I also just read your story to my mister and he said "If I were a lady I would say 'get the hell up outta my vagina, mofos!'" Haha. Good for you on not following The Plan. Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteAMEN!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are already a great Mama anyways! I got the same thing all the time until Frank was born when I was a few weeks shy of 30. I wouldn't change this for the world and I love him dearly. The thing that we get now is "when is he going to get a sibling?" Mention the words, 'only child' and THAT is when people start to freak. Apparently, that is selfish and will be detrimental to his personal, social development blah blah blah......Hey if they only knew.......people totally forget the intricacies that make up a couple's decision to have or not have, a family. I'll be thinking of you as we both sit in the corner with our 3rd bowl of dessert and pretend we don't hear it all :)
ReplyDeletei never thought i wanted kids, then randomly i got these little pangs (nesting instincts kicking in? maybe.), but then they go away. luckily, up here at least, people aren't quite so expectant of people to have babies, especially young. i do get people telling me a lot that i should have kids or asking if i do (i have even had strangers ask me if the kids next to me, who i don't even know, are mine! that was weird!). at this point i am perfectly happy spoiling the crap out of someone elses kid, and being able to give a baby back when it starts to cry or poops or something. not that i don't love babies because i do (i just found out a friend is pregos yesterday and am so excited!!!), but i am completely ok with veda and posey being my babies for right now, as we have already had this convo... anyway, long story short, and as everyone else i am sure agrees, i get it. and thank you for being that understanding person regardless of what anyone else's choices/beliefs are.
ReplyDeleteI am also 29 and childless. We are convinced that the universe will let us know when to have kids. Until then, I'll keep enjoying waking up at Noon, traveling on the fly and drinking Mimosas for breakfast thankyouverymuch
ReplyDeleteps. i love that photo of you and your babes.
ReplyDeleteHello! I've just clicked over here for the first time (because I saw the name Dinosaur Toes on somebody else's blog and had to), and what a great post to start with.
ReplyDeleteI've known since I was a teenager that I was likely to have difficulty conceiving, and I honestly think that was a good thing because I grew up knowing that having kids was not a given and I needed an alternative plan. As I got older, I realised the alternative plan was actually more appealing.
I don't see anything selfish about not having kids; I'm more likely to question people who say, "You have to have kids so somebody will look after you in your old age" - THAT, to me, is more self centred than not popping out babies you aren't certain you want.
At 28, but married for 9 years, I have endured these comments for almost a decade. The absolute worst in my opinion are the 'selfish' ones. I was actually told this by one of my favorite people. It was like taking a bullet. But what I think is heinously MORE selfish is to pop out a baby just because that's what I'm supposed to do, or as you put it, is The Plan, when it is no way the right thing for me. The last thing I want is to put the burden on a small innocent child of all my regrets for things that I will no longer be able to do.
ReplyDeleteI think, like with all who go against the grain, it can make others uncomfortable, this notion that I have all I need without spawn. And I think deep down, others are simply questioning their own decisions. I am open enough to not say never, but I am self aware enough to know better than to succumb to the pressure of NOW. For that I am proud of myself, and I hope you feel the same. Stick to your guns!
Amen sister. Mind you, I do have a child, but she was...well, an bonafide April fool's surprise. Can I even contain within a brief comment how strongly I feel about your topic?? Somehow, we STILL live in a society where a women is not a women until she 1) gets a giant rock (ie: engagement ring), 2) has a 2.5mil dolla wedding, and 3) has several children which she must of course put before everything in her pretty, carefree life. The face that people not only ask you so aggressively is insane, but the follow up judgment and uncalled for advice would absolutely lead to a punch in the face (if you were me, that is).
ReplyDeleteI actually get something similar to this, just substitute 'when you getting married' to the equation. Yikes. Kids are amazing, mine is, and I actually am getting married in a couple of months (more yikes), but that is MY business, no one else's.
hi! i just came accross your blog. i love it. i have to say...you have such a beautiful smile :) Hello from Poland
ReplyDeleteme and you both:)
ReplyDeleteI'm 30 and i think when the time is right the time right....not quite ready yet either...